Mr. Bonham's Journal

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

12:08AM - The party's aftermath.

Clean-up was smooth, thanks to concerted efforts of so many highly-able butlers.

Saw Percy off with a wave. Briefly considered warning him of Mr. Igor, clinging desperately to underside of Benz. Figured no reason to worry him -- plenty of bumps between here and Bonn, and if Mr. Igor lasts entire trip, well, he's due *some* reward.

Thanks to another trip to town, tattoo now reads: How many AmEricans does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- they get third world dictators to do their dirty work. Hope Earl will be pleased, as IT HURTS LIKE BLOODY HELL AND I DOUBT I'LL BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR MONTHS!!

On an even more frightening note, have received many invoices for truckloads of Alaskan produce. Don't know whether to be more terrified of finding a place to store said produce, of learning that Earl has already used it all.

Hope James is well. Went to his attic and tossed a bit of dust and rags around in anticipation of his homecoming. When crowd of butlers clean a manor, they clean a manor, dungeon to roof.

Current mood: ouchie

(go fish)

Tuesday, March 5, 2002

7:00PM - Who the hell is Erica?!

Disaster!! Discovered in bathroom mirror that sore spot on buttocks is actually new tattoo. Amid drunken revelry, don't remember jaunt to town! Wouldn't be so bad, except slurred speech must have produced garbled instructions, because am SURE wouldn't have asked for tattoo of 'Erica' spelled out in rose vines! Must have it fixed before Earl returns to avoid girly jealous hissy fit. Perhaps will have it turned into humorous and derogatory phrase about sodding Americans.

And, better news, party is tomorrow night. Am very excited! Percy is helping to decorate. And Mr. Igor RSVP'd, dammit.

Current mood: sore, peeved

(go fish)

Monday, March 4, 2002

3:00PM - Percy comes for a visit.

Back from picking up Percy at airport. More distressing news! Seems in addition to no longer knowing real name, Major's Butler no longer has any clothing except stiff and nasty uniforms! Actually was something of a relief, because Earl's credit card has been burning hole in pocket all week, and was perfect excuse for a shopping spree!

Convinced Percy angora midriff sweater, despite being 'foppish', is absolutely appropriate for party. Wasn't lying either when said that pink is complimentary to complexion. Next need to work on sad barcode comb-over haircut. Will take him to favourite barber (only one in town who does bowl cut to my satisfaction!) and see what can be done. If nothing else, shaved heads are coming back into fashion. Mustn't let James know! Will demand them for entire household to cut cost of shampoo.

Planning decadent meal for evening, and am sure Percy will want to help. And then think we'll retire to entertainment room for drinks and viewing of mysterious NATO video he's been excited about.

Oh, and forgot to mention. Igor is back on invite list. Seems Percy owes him a favour, something about disposing of a body the last time a Soviet broke in in middle of night and tried to assassinate Uncle NATO. Dammit. There go plans for giggly kissing game. Hope nothing *else* goes wrong with party plans!!

Current mood:

chipper

(go fish)

11:00AM - A little pre-party partying.

So glad Percy came for visit! Been having marvellous time! Dinner was smashing, and nice to have help with dishes. Had slight problem when Percy encountered button for intercom. Stood and stared at it for several minutes before letting out ear-splitting shriek worthy of James when the bank statement comes. Thought he was going to faint when I pushed it to demonstrate was only intercom, and was very pale and sickly looking (even with angora sweater nicely setting off complexion) until ventured into Earl's good liquor stash and poured us both drinks.

Beginning to wonder about Uncle NATO. Especially after watching video of Agent Z's 'manouevers', which apparently he found engrossing. Admit that was entertaining, but already knew Earl is flexible, and that Z is tremendous slut. Honestly, how do they think we amuse ourselves while waiting in get-away car for them to perform important spy things?!

Went through several several bottles, possibly even forbidden Mosel. When gets to point that vision doubles, is hard to read labels.

Can't remember much else of evening, though would like to know very much what could have possibly done to acquire sore spot on buttocks. Sitting at breakfast table caused unexpected yelp of pain. Percy panicked, thinking that I'd pressed intercom button. Sometimes don't understand him, but then, must be influence of working for Uncle NATO.

Current mood: hungover

(go fish)

9:00AM - Party! Now, who to invite...?

Damned invitation list absorbing time which could be better spent puttering in kitchen or lazing down at fishing hole. After large debate, have decided to strike Mr. Igor. With him in attendance, no one will be enthusiastic about playing 'spin the bottle'.

Cannot wait to see Mr. Lurch. Have kept in touch, but not seen him since school, when we were on the basketball team together.

(go fish)

Sunday, March 3, 2002

2:00PM - New gossip to spread.

Lovely chat, distressing news! Apparently Major's butler has forgotten own name after being addressed for years as 'Butler'. Have decided to call him Percy, as had to have *something* to put on invitation, even though he protested that it sounds 'foppish'.

Sadly, tape of orgy did not arrive at Schloss before Major's departure. However, did learn that Young Master Eberbach was chronic bed-wetter until the age of 13. Must inform Earl immediately, as know he has desire to win wager by getting same Eberbach into bed. Relapse always a possibility, and would be MOST disturbing.

And, as fair turn-around, promised to hunt up photographs of Earl before plastic surgery to correct nose. Am fairly certain they are in shoebox in front closet. Must give several to Percy to take back to Schloss, in hopes that Major will see them and be most put-off.

Completely unfair of Earl to leave me behind while he goes to Alaska with intent to win wager! Long-distance sabotage very difficult, as surely he is aware.

Current mood: chatty

(go fish)

1:15PM - A call to Percy.

Dilemma!! List of invitees nearly completed, when realised I don't know the name of Uncle NATO's butler. Going to call him to ask it, and to invite him over early for nice time and to help with preparations. Very good man -- always get on well with him, even if he is employed by grim Major.

Will also gently inquire if Major received anonymous, nondescript package before going to Alaska. Am still crossing fingers and fearing for safety of fifty pounds.

Current mood:

distressed

(go fish)

11:30AM - I really should get myself invited over for tea one day.

Soaps awfully good today. Teresa admitted to cutting break cables in Yvonne's car, hoping she would drive over cliff to her doom so she could have Eric for herself. Eric admitted to not wanting either of them, but Bradley, who he can't tell as Bradley is still in coma after tainted shellfish incident. Sounded like a fight broke out -- damn them for having big blow-up in pantry, where there are no cameras. Is only because of bugs in kitchen that could hear anything at all. When Earl returns, must catch him up to date on melodrama -- er, blackmail material -- and convince him to install more cameras.

Never suspected stuffy, snob neighbours could be so entertaining.

(go fish)

Saturday, March 2, 2002

2:30PM - That devious Earl!

Had lovely talk with A, except for part where had to apologise for bad connection which cut yesterday's call abruptly. Was informed that Major and Alphabet also heading to Alaska. Suspect now that Earl's visit has less to do with Moscow Ballet than he let on. Crossing my fingers in hopes that orgy tape makes it to Bonn before Major leaves.

Current mood: suspicions confirmed

(go fish)

11:15AM - Everyone is off to Alaska except me -- thank god!

Very busy few days. Am exhausted from making preparations for unexpected trip to Alaska. Earl announced intentions in bed, after watching broadcast of Moscow Ballet. Couldn't discern connection between ballet and Alaska, but was also distracted by James' wailing over expense of trip. Wish Earl had either made announcement next morning, or given warning. Would have slept on the sofa rather than suffer bruised shin from accountant flailing his way through multiple nightmares.

Next time, making Earl sleep in middle.

James sent ahead to Alaska, suspect so Earl could make luxurious travel arrangements without listening to more wailing. He splurged on coach ticket, with only four lay-overs. In addition, have been given access to expense account while all are away in order to keep manor supplied and running smoothly. Have promised to appease James with banana cake upon his return.

Have also nearly finished with guest list for massive blow-out party am planning, since will have manor all to myself. When asked by Earl what I was working on, told him it was grocery list. Thought he bought it, until on way out door he tossed me keys to good wine cellar and warning to not touch the Mosel.

Earl such a fantastic employer. Am feeling desperately loyal. Off to embroider his name on another shirt, and perhaps a few pairs of underwear. Also wonder if I'll be in his service long enough to justify cost of tattoo.

Current mood: loyal

(go fish)

Thursday, February 28, 2002

5:30PM - the diary of Mr. Bonham

Rotten Earl. Have to keep such a close eye on him! Came home today from visit to NATO HQ bragging that he'd finally got himself a piece of nice German ass, and was demanding pay-up of wager. Took half an hour of Mr. James' wailing to make him admit that it was Z's ass, not the Major's.

James appeased down to ragged sniffles. My fifty pounds still safe. Earl in high spirits despite wailing, and has settled down with a bottle of Mosel to watch satellite broadcast of Moscow Ballet.

I wonder if I shouldn't send tape of Earl's last orgy anonymously to Bonn, as reminder to Major of Earl's perverted nature. Have to make *sure* those fifty pounds are safe. Also would be nice to gossip with A. Can always hang up on him when he begins whining about miserable home life.

Current mood: scheming

(go fish)